Staying in Control: Executive Function Strategies
In my article overviewing executive functioning skills, I mentioned impulse and emotional control and cognitive flexibility. Even though these are three different skills, I grouped them together because they can each be viewed as a type of self control. And the things we can do to deal with them can overlap.
This article can serve as a big ole list of strategies and ideas that can help you stay in control of yourself. This isn’t an article that you read one time and forget—I’ll be adding to it whenever I come across an idea that I think is helpful, so check back!
Before we jump into the strategies and ideas, though, let’s talk a little bit more about what these skills mean.
Impulse Control
An impulse is a sudden, strong urge to do something. There are a ton of examples of impulses… and not all impulses are bad! You might have a sudden urge to…
eat a tub of ice cream because you’re stressed
try a trick on your bike because you saw it online and think it looks fun
rip up all your homework because you’re frustrated with it
delete all your social media after reading an article
yell at your friend because they did something you don’t like
hug someone who looks like they’re having a bad day
change your hairstyle because you’re feeling bored
buy a whole new wardrobe because you don’t like how you look
The point isn’t whether these actions and reasons are right or wrong, it’s whether or not you’ve taken a moment to regulate yourself, think through the consequences, and make a good decision for yourself at that moment.
Story Time with a Fellow Neurodivergent
I have very thick, very coarse hair. People are always telling me how lucky I am, but they don’t have to deal with it! I prefer how I look with my hair long and wavy, but it’s always taken a lot of work to manage it. Part of that is making sure I get regular haircuts to keep it manageable. But… ADHD! Consistency and remembering to schedule them are not my strengths! At least once a year, I get the sudden urge to chop my hair off so I don’t have to deal with anymore.
I often go through with it.
I always regret it.
Instead of giving in, I’ve had to develop some strategies:
Scheduling my next trip right after the last one (for 3 or 4 months later).
Finding a way to fix my hair that I’ll actually stick to (I don’t like long, high-maintenance routines).
Telling people that I want my hair to grow long so they can keep me in line.
Emotional Control
An emotion is an instinctive feeling or state of mind that’s impacted by situations. An important part of this definition is the word instinctive. We don’t have a lot of control over our instincts—they happen naturally. And just like impulses, emotions aren’t right or wrong. It’s what we do with them. You can feel a lot of emotions, even in one day! From the time you wake up, you might feel…
anxious about a test you have coming up later
excited that your parent made you pancakes for breakfast
frustrated that there’s too much traffic on the drive to school
relieved that your teacher postponed your test a few days
annoyed that your school calls a surprise assembly
calm when you get to watch your favorite show after school
None of these emotions are better or worse than the other. They’re just natural responses to what has happened to you throughout the day. So what is there to control?
How you respond to your emotions. None of the things above are problems. But what if…
you got so anxious about your test that you lied to your parent and skipped school
you were so frustrated at the traffic that you decided to speed and got a ticket
you were so relieved about the test that you let out a loud “whoop!” and the teacher changed their mind
you were so annoyed about the assembly that you yelled at your teacher
you were so chill watching your favorite show you forgot to study for the test again
Emotional control isn’t about controlling how we feel—it’s about managing how we act.
Cognitive Flexibility
Cognitive flexibility is the ability to change your thinking and actions based on a situation. Hopefully, by now you’ll realize why I grouped these three skills! Impulse control and emotional control are all about your ability to adapt what you’re doing externally (your actions) based on what’s going on internally (your impulses and emotions). Being cognitively flexible can look like…
choosing to go for a walk instead of eating a tub of ice cream when you’re upset
pausing and explaining how your friend upset you when you’re more calm
talking to your teacher about your test anxiety and figuring out if there’s an accommodation
using self-talk or self-advocacy to cope with a surprise assembly
Story Time with a Fellow Neurodivergent
My husband and I recently had a Monday off of work. I hadn’t felt well over the weekend and was looking forward to a cozy introvert day. Something came up and my husband asked if we could change our plans for the day, which was going to involve driving and being around people most of the day. My initial emotion was frustration and my initial impulse was to say no (or say yes but be overtly annoyed about it). I froze up and had a hard time communicating with him about what was going on. After a few minutes (and a bit of gentle coaxing), I was able to self-regulate enough to acknowledge the day did need to change and that it would be okay.
I experienced moments of stress and anxiety throughout the day as I thought about the things I wanted and needed to get done. Instead of letting myself dwell on it and feel frustrated, I chose the things that were most important to me and I advocated for ways to incorporate them into the day. That meant…
Taking a break from everyone to go to a separate room to do yoga (I was on a 29 day streak, now 43!)
Telling everyone I had to take my laptop with me on the final drive to get some work done (IEPs don’t stop for long weekends!).
Spending time before bed figuring out when I would tackle the other things on my list
The Growing List of Ideas and Strategies
Alright then, let’s hop to it. Here are some things that might help you. Some of these are evidence-based and come from research and specialists. Some of these are from fellow neurodivergents and/or people who work with them and are based on experience. As with everything I mention in this space, take what works and leave what doesn’t.
The 48 Hour Rule
If you’re making a big decision (anything from cutting your hair off to quitting a job), wait two full days—which means two nights of sleep—before committing to your decision.
Daily Mindfulness
Practicing mindfulness every day can help you become more aware of yourself, which means you can be more aware in the moment that impulsive thoughts or out of control emotions pop up. Traditional meditation can be had for some neurodivergent folks, so if sitting in silence doesn’t work for you, consider guided meditations, “focus” ambience, walking meditations, or even something like coloring. Just a few minutes a day will do!
Shake Up Your Routines (on purpose)
Consider making small changes to your daily routine every once in awhile. Take a different road on your way to work, try a different brand of cereal, or swap the order you do daily tasks. Changing things up can fire up new neural pathways and help you look at things in a new way.
Pause, Notice, Name, and Accept
Emotions pop up fast (and sometimes fade just as quickly). When you’re experiencing a strong emotion, pause. Give yourself a little bit of space from what caused that emotion and notice what’s going on. Are you turning red? Clinching your fists? Feeling sick to your stomach? Then, name that feeling and accept it. It’s okay to feel what you feel and giving yourself time to notice it and feel it can give you the space to feel without reacting. For some extra goodness, give yourself a little kindness and put your hands on whatever part of your body is feeling the emotion the strongest. Send yourself some good vibes.
Sabotage Yourself
If you know there are impulsive behaviors that tend to repeat over and over again, go ahead and sabotage yourself. Delete saved credit card information from your phone or computer. Keep ice cream out of the house. Make it harder to access things that will let you act impulsively.
The Donkey Rule
“If several people think it’s a donkey, it’s a donkey.” It might be hard to see what other people are talking about when you have a differrent idea or perspective! The donkey rule could be a good mantra for you. If multiple people (that you trust!) have expresesd an idea, solution, etc…, there’s a good chance that it’s a good one—even if you don’t get it.
Brainstorm
Practice brainstorming solutions—all the solutions—to problems. Start with smaller little conundrums and work your way up to bigger ones. And don’t limit yourself! Write down everything you can think of, even if you don’t think it seems right or logical. This can help get your brain in the habit of thinking more flexibly.
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