Constructive Conversations: Questions for Reflection
Conversations can be really hard.
I teach conversational skills for a living, and I still have a hard time with them. I’m a member of the neuromajority, but I have a hard time communicating effectively in certain situations.
The truth is, neurodiversity exists in all of us. On an individual level, we are all a little bit different. For example, my brain doesn’t process information the same way my husband’s brain does despite us both being neurotypical. We have to wrestle with our different communication styles all the time. We always will.
If you’re neurodivergent, you might have been told you’re the problem in conversations.
It might not have been explicit. It was probably subtle because you were being trained to mask how you process information and naturally prefer to talk.
And no one wants to have to wear a mask to be accepted.
But that doesn’t change the fact that conversations are challenging. That doesn’t change the fact that people communicate in different ways.
Let’s change our mindset from having correct conversations to having constructive conversations.
The goal of most conversations is to have a positive interaction. I like the synonym constructive. Constructive means serving a useful purpose or tending to build up. These ideas make up the majority of conversations that I can imagine—to serve a functional purpose or to forge a connection with others. So, how do we have constructive conversations?
I’m not going to write a list of do’s and don’ts for you because that would be counterproductive to the change we’re making. Instead, I’m going to share some reflection questions that you can ask before, during, and after conversations. I hope these questions increase your self-awareness, your awareness of others, and your awareness of conversational structures.
General Reflection Questions
What is the ideal environment for me to have a conversation in? What environments are hard for me to have conversations in?
What topics do I know I’m uncomfortable talking about?
How do I like to have conversations? What is my conversational style?
What self-advocacy statements and supports can I lean on?
How do I feel comfortable leaving conversations or changing conversations that make me uncomfortable?
At the Beginning of a Conversation
Is there anything in the environment I can change?
Is there anything I need to do to advocate for myself?
What is the topic of the conversation? What do I already know? What would I like to know? Am I interested or uninterested?
Is this a conversation I want to have? Is this a conversation I have to have?
Does this conversation have a specific purpose or is it for connection?
During a Conversation
Has the topic of the conversation changed since it began? Do I still want or need to have this conversation?
Now that I’m in the conversation, is there anything I need to advocate for? Is there anything in the environment that has changed or that I need to change? How do I feel in my body?
How do I feel comfortable participating? (Do I have questions to ask or comments to make? Do I just want to listen? Do I want to monologue? Do I just want to answer questions?)
If this conversation has a specific purpose, are we on track to accomplish it? If not, what do we need to change?
If this conversation is for connection, do I feel connected to them right now? Can I tell through their body language that they’re feeling connected to me? If I don’t feel connected and/or I don’t think that they feel connected, what can I change?
After a Conversation
Did I walk away from a specific use conversation with the goal accomplished?
Did I walk away from a connection conversation feeling connected?
If the goal wasn’t accomplished or I feel dissatisfied with how we connected, can I figure out why? Where did the conversation break down for me?
How do I think my conversation partner felt at the end? Do I have evidence for my perspective? How could I follow up with them to be sure?
What is one thing I can take from this conversation and use to have a more constructive conversation next time?
Now, maybe you’re already very self-aware. Maybe you ask yourself questions like this already and you still feel like you struggle with conversations. You might need to build up some of your linguistic skills. We’ll chat about that next!
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