A Realistic Conversational Skills Framework for Neurodivergent Students
Something I’ve noticed recently about old-school social skills training is that it tends to teach a very idealized notion of conversational skills. What I mean is that in trying to teach neurodivergent students the “proper” way to interact with others, we’re trying to enforce idealized rules that we don’t even follow all of the time. There’s very little room for nuance in social skills training and, outside of all the other harmful things we know about it, I think that’s a real tragedy.
When I started thinking about working with neurodivergent students on conversational skills in a non-harmful, affirming way, one of my first thoughts was teaching them to think about the purpose of their conversations. From there, I ended up dividing conversations into three tiers:
Conversations you want to have.
Conversations you have/need to have.
Conversations to get through.
One of those idealized traits I think we’ve enforced on students is holding all conversations equally. And that’s just not true! I know I don’t assign conversations with random passersby the same weight as conversations with my husband or friends, and I doubt you do either! So why would we put those expectations on students?
Let’s dig a little deeper into the three tiers of conversations as I see them, shall we?
Conversations you want to have.
I teach that the purpose of these conversations is connection. There’s no single right or wrong way to connect with another human, so once you recognize that you want to have this conversation to connect with a person/people, you can begin asking yourself questions that will guide your actions.
Who am I talking to?
What is their relationship to me? What do I want it to be?
What do I know about their conversational style?
What can I tell about their feelings through their verbal and nonverbal cues?
What can I tell about how they’re reacting to me? Do I want to change anything based on that?
Am I interested in the topic? The person? Both?
Is there anything I need to disclose to them to help build the connection?
Conversations you have/need to have.
I teach that the purpose of these conversations is to achieve a goal. This goal could be self-directed or directed by the other person.
For example, your goal might be to find out what time you’re meeting friends for dinner or it could be finding out how much a new cell phone plan would cost.
Alternatively, your parent’s goal might be finding out what grade you made on your test or your friend’s goal might be finding out what time you’re coming over to play video games.
The goals could be very specific or they may be a little more vague, but most of these conversations can be boiled down to an objective of sorts. The questions you’ll ask yourself in these conversations are quite different.
Who am I talking to? How does that impact my actions?
What is the goal of this conversation?
What specific information do I need to share?
How do I/did I convey that information clearly?
Did I check for understanding?
Is there anything I need to disclose to them to help build the connection?
Conversations to get through.
I teach that these conversations are (usually) what we would call small talk. In my experience, small talk strikes the fear of god into most neurodivergent (or just anxious!) people. In these instances, I think it’s important to be honest about our purpose: appear gracious while giving the conversation as little energy as possible. Especially for neurodivergent (or anxious) people, putting too much weight on these conversations is likely to just be frustrating and disheartening because doing that is hard. So… let’s not and allow them to put their energy into the previous (and more meaningful to them) conversation types.
Again, the questions we would ask are different.
Who am I talking to? Where are we?
How much time will I spend talking to them? Is it just a passing chat or longer small talk?
Are they directing the conversation or am I?
If I’m directing it, what topics am I familiar with that are best for the person and situation/timeframe?
If they’re directing it, what do I know about the topic they chose? Am I comfortable with it or do I want to change it?
My hope for teaching students to view conversations in this way is that they will feel like they have the autonomy to participate in conversations in ways they find meaningful, beneficial, and relaxing. At the end of the day, I’m not teaching them how to have conversations, I’m teaching them how to think about conversations. And ultimately, give them the power.
Are you wondering where skills like topic maintenance and asking questions come in? I haven’t abandoned them! Instead, I’ve shifted to a combination of metalinguistic skills (like the ones we’ve covered today!) and linguistic skills (like vocabulary and syntax) to make sure students have everything they need.
Stay tuned for an article on targeting linguistic skills during social skills therapy—coming soon!
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