15 Ways to Support Neurodivergent Folks During the Holidays
The holidays are a stressful time for almost everyone. For people who are neurodivergent (ND), it can be even more stressful due to the expectations that are placed on them this time of year… some of them things neurotypicals (NT) may not even think about!
For myself as an ADHD’er, the planning is the bit that I’m actually pretty good at, but there are still a lot of little expectations and interactions that really overwhelm me. I thought I would share some things you can consider to help support the ND people in your life during the holiday season.
Before we jump in, I want to make one disclaimer: every ND person has different experiences and needs. Just because it’s on this list doesn’t mean it will necessarily be helpful to the person in your life. The single most important thing you can do to support them is to have honest conversations about what they need. And when you do, don’t become defensive or upset. It really is about teamwork and understanding on all sides!
So, let’s jump in! Here are some ideas that can help you support the neurodivergent folks in your life this holiday season.
Give them time to think.
For me, one of the hardest things I do each day is thinking on my feet, especially in situations that feel high pressure. Several of the suggestions below involve asking them questions. Go into each question realizing that they might not know or be able to explain their answer right away. Give them some space to think it through before they answer. You can determine a time to reconvene and talk, give them a date to get back up with you, or let them message you back later (a lot of ND folk explain better in writing!).
Ask them if they want to be surprised about gifts or if they want to help you choose.
While there are plenty of ND folks who enjoy surprises (I’m one of them, at least when it comes to gifts!), there are others who would rather know what to expect. Have a chat and find out what they would prefer when it comes to gifts. And even if they choose for themselves, you can still wrap them up and make an event of opening if want! But, that does lead me to…
Let them open gifts on their own or when people aren’t paying attention.
Having the spotlight on them might make the ND person in your life feel uncomfortable. Processing the gift they received, thinking about what to say in response, analyzing people’s body language, thinking about their own body language… all of these things can have an impact on their actual enjoyment of the gift they just received. One of my least favorite parts of getting married was the wedding shower! I hated being so conscious of the people around me and how they felt about my reactions. So if they’d rather take gifts home and open them on their own or just wait until there are a lot of people opening at one time, let them!
Accept gifts from them when they’re most comfortable giving.
In the same way that receiving gifts can bring up a lot of questions about perceptions, body language, etc…, giving gifts can also feel conflicting. Some ND folks might feel uncomfortable watching you open the gift in front of them, and some might prefer to give their gift one-on-one so they can talk to you about it or so they have fewer extra details to process and can focus on you. Or something else altogether! If they give you a gift at a less than traditional time, let them!
Ask them their honest opinion about different holiday activities and respect their experiences.
There are a ton of different options for celebrating the holiday season, some that are likely more enjoyable than others for them. Have a chat with them early in the season about their experiences with different activities they’ve done in the past and how they think they would feel about any activities you have in mind. The most important thing is to really respect what they tell you and be willing to adjust if you can. And also…
Don’t be offended if they bow out of some events and activities.
It’s an easy season to become overwhelmed even if you’re NT, possibly even more so if you’re neurodivergent. It’s tempting to say yes to everything and to expect everyone else to say yes to everything, but that’s not beneficial for anyone (Including you! Say no when you need to!). The thing to keep in mind here is that your ND folks may be bowing out for different reasons altogether (too many Christmas lights might send them into sensory overload, a cocktail hour with a lot of small talk might give them anxiety, etc…). Their capacity for the number of events and activities they can attend might also be lower than yours. Don’t judge their reasons, just trust they’re doing what’s best for them. It’s probably not a reflection on you!
Don’t compare them to other people in your life.
People have a lot of different experiences with Christmas. Some people are all in and go all out. Some people are bare minimum. Some people do nothing at all. It’s easy to moralize people’s “holiday spirit” and compare it to that of others. Instead of placing expectations on them and comparing them and their capacity to other people in your circle, give them the option to contribute and participate in the way that works best for them.
Make sure there are safe food options or let them contribute to meals without fuss.
Neurodivergency can have an interesting affect on food preferences and tolerances. And, to make things more complicated, it can change rapidly! Holiday menus can often be a little more sensitive than the average dinner, but that’s no reason not to accommodate. Ask if there’s a side or snack you can keep on hand, plan the menu with them, let them bring something of their own, or don’t make a fuss if they eat ahead of time.
Help them out with calendars or reminders if they want and need it.
There’s usually a lot to organize when it comes to the holiday season. If you know keeping up with everything might be a struggle, ask them if they’d like some organizational help. This could mean a planning session to help them get everything on their calendar, reminder texts leading up to an event, or even body doubling to get through some holidays tasks, like gift wrapping. Just remember, it’s helpful to offer but not to force! Don’t assume they need your reminders if they say no and do it anyway—that’s just pestering.
Let them go AWOL or quiet during a big gathering.
This one is handy for your NT introverted folks, too! When I’m at an event (even if it’s one at my own house!), I will inevitably end up escaping for a few minutes to regulate. It might be sneaking to the kitchen/food areas to linger over a drink, finding something I can help out with (or loading my dishwasher), or popping off to the bathroom for a few minutes. And when I can’t physically escape, it might be a mental escape—playing on my phone or browsing someone’s bookshelf. It’s literally those memes about the people who gravitate to the corner with the pet or the baby! I promise we’re not being rude, we just need breaks to regulate ourselves.
Provide something hands-on, repetitive, or “mindless” to do during gatherings.
Similarly, I love it when there’s something I can focus on while I’m at a gathering. A few years ago, my husband and I were invited to a low-key karoke night at someone’s house. There were five of us there, and I had let everyone know ahead of time that I would be happy listening to them sing but didn’t want to sing myself. I was tickled pink when I got there and the hosts had put out coloring books and colored pencils for everyone (bonus points for being The Beatles). While I was perfectly happy to listen to everyone else sing, having something to do with my hands instead of just watching them the whole time made the night for me. Consider a coloring book, a small puzzle, or something else hand-on that they can focus on while listening to conversations or talking. It can make a world of difference!
Don’t put them on the spot during gatherings.
Is there anything worse than being sat at the table, calmly eating your meal, enjoying your own thoughts, and then being put on the spot with a question? Even the most mundane questions can sometimes be jarring. It nearly always takes me a moment to reorient myself to talking if I’ve drifted off or have been happily listening to others. Instead of bringing your ND folks back into the conversation with a question, I recommend beginning with a low-stakes comment. Give them a moment to change gears and reorient themselves to the idea of having a conversation before jumping in.
Allow them to have a comfort person at your event or gathering.
Situations with unfamiliar people are the worst for me—and truthfully, even with familiar people I’m just less comfortable being around. Being ND comes with a lot of perceived social gaffes—getting lost in your head instead of listening, blurting something out, misunderstanding a joke. Having what I call a comfort person around can help with that! If you’ve invited them to something where they might feel more alone, give them the option to bring a plus one.
Have a signal they can use to let you know something is off.
During an event, it can be hard for a ND person to advocate for themselves. Chat ahead of time and have a gesture or phrase they can use to get your attention without having to worry about killing the vibes. And, of course, when you notice the signal, find a subtle way to figure out what’s going on and if you can help.
Give them time to decompress.
And lastly, recognize that they may need a bit of downtime after an event or gathering to decompress and regulate. That looks different for everyone, so don’t be surprised or offended if it seems a little off to you! And if you’re not sure whether or not they need some space, ask them without judgment: a simple “Hey, you need some time to unwind?” will do.
I’ve made the intentional choice to keep The Calm SLP ad-free. If you appreciate what I do here, there are a couple of ways to support me.
You can check out the products I offer in my TpT store. This will hopefully help you also!
You can also visit my Buy Me a Coffee link, though I’ll openly admit your donation will go to tea and books instead.
